One candle of many.....

Today all across the states, parents, grandparents, friends and relatives lit candles in rememberance of a child lost. We too lit our candles for Jonathan. Thank you Kathy for the beautiful arrangement with a candle in it that you sent for him.

This is a picture of the candle that was lit at Jonathan's funeral and used throughout the whole year. At the end of the Liturgical season Father gave it to me.

Along time ago, someone asked me which of your children was your favorite. At that time as it still is today, I have always felt that my kids were the greatest gift I ever received. I could not name which one over the other would be my favorite. Each child holds a special place and comes with a special purpose.

Katie was my first and with her everything I did was for the very first time.. first time I had a child, first time I listened to the strained music from her instrument, first time I was a mother of the bride..

Amy has always been the strength, she is a strong personality and has an independent way in her life. She is everything I am not but wished I was. She is an adventuresome soul, where I would always travel the safer route.

Billy is my rock. He is strong, steady, stable and always there to be the man of the house even when he was only a child. He is honesty and his love will always be the greatest gift I received after my divorce. (That's a whole other story!)

Jonathan was my last and with that came the last time I would hear a concert at school, last time I would be a room mother, the last time I would sit in an auditorium for a graduation from school. Little did I know how painful letting go of the need to be a Mom would be, when in a split second your life changes.

I received a ceramic heart when Jonathan died. I put it on my fireplace mantle and Jonathan's cat jumped up and knocked it off , it broke in several pieces. I glued it back together and there in the center was a hole. I felt it was fitting and I knew for the first time, Jonathan sent me a sign. He knew we were once whole and now we were broken. My heart will always have a hole in the center that will not heal.

I do not know all the other people who have lit candles today, but I know the pain their hearts feel. I always felt and still do that the children I have were gifts from God and they did not belong to me. God trusted in me to raise them and that someday should he ask, I would need to let them go and give back the gift I have always treasured. I was extremely thankful to be given that opportunity to be a Mom even if it was only for 18 years .

I believe if I was asked or told what my life would be like here on earth and what I would experience I would not have hesitated to accept the job. To have missed any of my children's lives or Jonathan's life, his personality, his humor, his love would have left a larger hole that could not be filled.

I made a promise to Jonathan on his one year anniversary that I would let him go, and that my tears would not weigh down the wings he worked so hard to get. I will always carry the pain of his loss, I will always wonder what life would have been for him and I will always mourn the loss of unfinished work as I visit his grave. But I will always remember him, and smile when he sends me messages, feathers or coins.

Oddly enough I sometimes see him in a crowd, or someone who looks like him, smells like his cologne, or hear his voice even though he is not here. I can feel him always and I celebrate the life he lived, the people he touched and the gift that he was to me and his siblings. He walks with us always, laughs with us often and loves us still and forever. I will see him again someday, after all we are only one breath away..

Jonathan Michael Thon 2/16/85 - 1/24/2004